I haven't been here in a while because I'm a bit embarrassed.
I have put pounds back on and I haven't had the courage to tell you about it. I haven't wanted to admit it to myself, number one. I haven't wanted you to silently feel sorry for me. I also haven't wanted you to cheer me on/up/forward with a "You got this, girl!"
(And I know you mean well with that last one. But truly, it makes me feel like the most lame-o, narcissistic, pathetic being. As if I'm intentionally feeling sorry for myself out loud, hoping you'll chime in and pat me on the back. I'm sure that a therapist would have a wonderful time with that.)
Here are the facts:
Most of my clothes don't fit. Those that do are tight and unflattering ... and I'm uncomfortable in them. I only have two bras that sort of fit and even my underwear is too small.
My hair and my skin look tired. My eyes are puffy. I ache and I no longer feel strong.
I am tired, moody, emotional and sort of difficult to live with. I am mad at myself. Disappointed, really. And I'm letting it get to me.
I am still running. About 16-20 miles per week. But it's getting harder and harder as I get heavier and as I let the negative talk take over my brain. I was lifting a couple of times a week, but a shoulder injury has put the kibosh on that for now. And I have not been to RIPPED in ages ... my schedule has just not lined up with available class times.
I am eating with abandon. Essentially nothing is off limits and my ratio of healthy vs. non-healthy choices is waaaaaaay off.
So, what did I do today to try and counter all of that?
I registered for a weekend class in Lake Zurich IL in April where I will become a certified running coach.
Seems obvious, right? My whole process is a shambles, so I think sitting in a room full of "real" runners and perhaps fitness professionals seems like a great idea! I can't keep my own shit in order, but I'll go find out how to tell other people how to organize theirs.
My single goal is to LEARN ... and if I'm the only one who ever uses the information, so be it. Of course, it will also give me some incentive to get back on track between now and then. That's an extra bonus.
Perhaps the best thing, though is that the mere thought of it scares me to death. I'm guessing I will likely be the most inexperienced person in the room. Or the heaviest. Or the one with the least self-confidence about being there.
I firmly believe doing something scary is a good way to get over a hump ... to shake the cobwebs out of your head and force yourself into a better place. The challenge, and the completion of it, turns up the volume on your "I can do it" meter.
The saga continues.
