And, I'm not entirely convinced my funk has left the building. So if this is a bit rough, I apologize.
My goal all along has been to use my story to show that, if by chance you were struggling with some of the same things, you are not alone. Consequently, I thought that if I couldn't be positive and uplifting, this whole thing wouldn't serve a purpose. Goodness knows in the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty freaking blessed. Complaining about having too much to eat sounds conceited, ridiculous, petty ... and horribly American.
I realize, though, that what I'm going through now might also be part of your story or your struggle. So I'm back.
I thought I'd just catch you up first and we'll see where it goes from there.
1. I have a new job. I'm almost 4 months in and some things are finally starting to feel familiar. The transition hasn't been easy for me. I've had to do some re-evaluation of who I am and what I want. I've chosen to place a different emphasis on what "work" is and how it defines me. I've met some really wonderful people, learned a lot and had quite a bit of fun.
2. I have gained weight. My guess is 20-25 lbs from my new normal low, but I'm too afraid to step on the scale to find out. Most of my summer clothes from 2 years ago do not fit. Some from last year do. I feel like a sausage ... too much goo stuffed in a too small package. The bras are the worst. They're just plain uncomfortable.
3. My workouts have been sporadic. I'm still running about 3x/week. Sometimes 4x. I'm doing between 4-6 miles an outing. I'm not lifting like I was. I'm also not biking like I did last summer. Because my weight it up, I'm putting extra stress on my joints. It seems everything hurts these days ... my hips, my shoulder, my back, my knees. Oh, my knees. However, NOT working out doesn't make any of it feel better. In fact, it usually makes things worse. Continuing to move is what feels best.
4. My eating spun wildly out of control for a while. I seriously think I might have a problem. It's not like I was eating whole packages of Oreos at one sitting or gorging on buckets of fried foods or anything. But I just couldn't stop eating. A handful of pretzels her. Ten minutes later? A little hunk of cheese. 20 minutes later? A piece of Dove Dark. Oh, good. Time for lunch. It was more like constant chewing. I've been better this week. Getting my head back in the game. I've been making better choices and have put a few of the old "limitations" (thought I hate that word) back in place.
5. My struggle is finding balance. I can't out-exercise bad eating. I can't/don't want to eat clean every minute of every day. I can't lie and say this is good enough when I know it's not. I can't say I don't care because I do. I also have to get out of my own head and understand that my emotions/internal dialogue affect my actions. I have to stop the negative thinking, the doubt and the fear.
No surprise, I'm a work in progress. Like the rest of the world.
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