I have not yet put my finger on it. Every time I think I have found it, when I swear I've found it, it turns out I haven't yet.
What am I looking for?
I'm looking for the one thing that's going to snap me back to reality.
So far, these are the things it has not been:
My smallest clothes not fitting.
My favorite clothes not fitting.
My biggest small clothes not fitting.
Walking around feeling like an uncomfortable sausage all day because my clothes don't fit.
The re-emergence of huge upper arms.
The rubbing together of the tops of my thighs.
The blob of skin that hangs over my too tight bra.
The re-appearance of a pooch in my mid-section.
The weakness of will that allows me to walk when I should be running or back off when I should be pushing.
The nearly constant bad internal conversation in my head.
The tired, defeated, hopeless feelings that creep in.
I have made myself lots of promises. I have vowed to get back on track a hundred or more times. And, as of yet, I have not actually done it. Which means I'm obviously lying to myself. I can't figure out why, either.
But yesterday I tried on a pair of size 12 pants and stopped breathing for a minute when they fit.
The truth is I'm working out pretty much like usual. But I'm essentially eating whatever I want. Proof that this whole deal is ALL. ABOUT. THE. EATING.
For now, I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward. And maybe, just maybe, while I'm hunting for divine intervention or some equally illogical other thing, I'll do enough right to get to the place I want to be.
3 comments:
Have you ever considered weight watchers? I like it because it's not a strict diet and I never feel deprived. It might be the jumpstart you need.
I have never tried WW, but no one can argue with the success. Unlike fads and extremes and ridiculous programs, it promotes smart eating, healthy choices, and offers support. I am just not a joiner. I would rather die than sit in a room full of people I don't know and talk about my feelings face to face. (That's why I have the blog -- LOL) I'm really not a good group member. And, of course, I'm incredibly hard-headed and have to beat my own path. I love love love that WW provides a smart path for so many.
I'm not a joiner either. I do the online program. I don't think sitting in a meeting would be for me either. I know you can get coaching online, but I'm not into that either. I just want the knowledge, so the online program is good for me.
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