My Least Favorite Runs

WARNING: This post is gross. I hesitate to share because it's at the very least TMI and at the very most disgusting. But that's also why I'm sharing ... because no one told me this stuff and I think it's important to understand it. I am not an expert on much of anything, but if sharing my experience can help someone, that's makes this silly blog worthwhile. I want to be very clear, too, that I am in no way offering medical advice. I am just telling you what happened to me. I encourage you to discuss any and all things "abnormal to you" with your own physicians. 

This is my story and I don't blame you for not reading it because it's going to get a little graphic. 

But hey, as the book says, "Everybody poops," so we can discuss it like grown-ups, right? Though, you should feel free to giggle at any point. I do hope you will NOT think of this if we're ever out for a beer however. Because that would be weird. 

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Today was colonscopy day for me and I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am that it is over.

In fact, I am welling up with tears of relief as I write this because the emotional and physical journey it takes me on is all-consuming. Try as I might to put on a brave face, I'm truly scared shitless -- literally and figuratively -- every single time I have to undergo this procedure.

This is my third walk down this aisle. I am 47 years old. For most people, screening colonoscopies start at age 50 and happen every 10 years thereafter. In other words, most people get three in their lifetime.

But because I have had issues in the past and because my dad had colon cancer, I am one of the lucky ones that get to go through this amazing experience every five years. That means, if you do the math, I'll likely get to go through it six more times for a lifetime total of nine.

It's like winning the poop lottery.

This year I had a special concern and it made the whole thing 10 times worse than normal. But before I get to that, I want to tell you a few things about the dreaded colonoscopy.

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Colonscopy 101 ... or should I say 202?

1. The colonoscopy is critical for everyone and the best diagnostic cancer screening available in the world of all cancer screenings. It allows doctors to see and remove polyps that could turn into cancer. It allows them to see and remove precancerous cells. It allows them to diagnose existing cancer early and treat it/surgically remove it before it kills you. Colon cancer is TREATABLE and the screening is imperative. If you are 50 and have not had it done, schedule it tomorrow. Please.

2. The actual procedure is a piece of cake. First, you get an IV. Then you lay down on your side, chit chat with the techs and doc. Before you know it, you're in sleepy-bye land. While you're out, they run a scope up your behind and survey the five-or-so feet of your large intestine, looking for polyps, abnormal cells, missing socks and mittens? and other oddities. You wake up still in the procedure room and honest to goodness, I was talking to them today as they were finishing up. I was aware that the doc was still "in country," but could feel nothing. You get sent back up to your outpatient room, eat some toast and, in my case, drink a can of Coke. Then you're on your way home.

3. The preparation, in my opinion, is hideous torture. I refuse to believe that we can put a man on the moon, create a car that parallel parks itself and program a house thermostat from your cell phone, but we can't find a better way to induce diarrhea. The customary process is to start a clear liquid diet the day before the procedure (avoiding anything with red dye), drink 4L of a salty, thick, disgusting mixture (8 oz. every 10 minutes) until you're shooting clear waterfalls ... no fecal flecks/flakes/chunks/matter and no color.

In my case, this also involves nearly uncontrollable shivering, tears and eventually vomiting, not necessarily in that order. I drink what I can for as long as I can, stopping when I can no longer keep from vomiting at the same pace of intake. Or until I can't stop crying ... whichever comes first. I made it through all but 24 oz. of the go-go juice last night before the puking started. A new record. Tears followed. Then I went to bed in long johns, socks and slippers, long-sleeve pjs, a sweatshirt and two extra blankets, waking frequently, of course, for a field trip to the bathroom.

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Why Three, You Ask? 

So, why have I had three colonoscopies before I turn 50? The first was because of blood in my stool in my early 30s and the cause turned out to be an anal fissure. (Think run in pantyhose.) Nothing to worry about. The second was ordered after my dad's diagnosis. This one was because I'm now on the 5-year-family-history rotation. And, because I had a new symptom that was related to my running.

For the past few weeks, after each long run, I find myself with a single bout of diarrhea that includes bright red blood. A pretty large amount of blood.

And trust me, that's enough to freak you right out.

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The New Wrinkle

Before the procedure today, I made sure my doctor knew about this change in bowel habit. I had been researching it all on the internet (because, let's face it, if you want good medical information, what better place to look that the highly unregulated and largely inaccurate tomes of guidance from non-experts?). I was thoroughly convinced that not only did I have colon cancer, but colitis, Chron's disease, diverticulitis and hemorrhoids, too.

On top of it all, I knew that since this test would be performed under my old/severance health insurance, I would need further testing/treatment, but since it would be a "pre-existing condition" for my new insurance, set to take over in a few weeks, I would not have coverage for all future treatment related to it. And surely, the cost of colon cancer, colitis, Chron's, diverticulitis and hemorrhoids is going to be pricey.

Plus, I just didn't want to die.

Scared shitless is an appropriate and accurate description. I fret. I worry. I don't sleep. I get short with Jim. You know, totally normal crazy person stuff.

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How It Turned Out

The doctor found a single polyp, removed it, and assured me that it didn't look remotely pre-cancerous, cancerous or abnormal, though of course it has to be tested. He also said the running-related bleeding was not uncommon among runners. He assured me that everything looked just fine and that I didn't have to worry about it. In fact, he said my exercising/running/weight loss was a good thing for my overall health and longevity, given my family history.

He also stressed that he needed to see me in 5 years.

He will. Next time, I am considering asking Jim to take a Sharpie to my butt cheek and write him a little surprise note. Surely looking as people's buttholes all day long must sort of stink (literally and figuratively, again, pun intended) and maybe a funny message would make him smile when he looks at mine.

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Lessons Learned

1. The next time, I am going to ask for an alternative prep. While I don't believe ALL internet research, I did find a number of sources that outlined a Miralax/Gatorade option that seems infinitely more humane. Perhaps by then a pill will be available. Or, at the very least, I'll be asking about adding Crystal Light (clear colors only) to the mix to make it more palatable.

SECRET TIP: Brush your teeth after every glass ... it helps prevent gagging for me.

2. I will also change the way I eat the week prior to the test. And I'm going to suggest to my doc that he make more information available to help people plan/prep better. I started a clear liquid diet a day early (two days vs. the recommended one) in hopes that "less in/less out" would make things a bit easier. It did not. Next time, clear liquids will start a full three days ahead of the procedure. I will also stop eating high fiber foods (cruciferous veg, fruits, nuts/seeds, legumes, whole grains) a full week before the procedure. Bring on white bread, pasta, cookies!

SECRET TIP: Your doc might OK gummy bears as "clear liquid" ... as long as you don't eat the red/orange ones. (Red dye can discolor things, making it harder for the doc to see what he/she needs to.) In my book, gummy bears beat Jello.

3. I am not going to be shy about talking about this. It's too important. Schedule your colonoscopy today. Check with your parents to find out if they have had theirs and get them to do the same. Not everyone will struggle with the prep like I did. I hope you don't, in fact. But even if you do, it's not a reason to not do it. I will come hang out with you on poop day if you want. I'll make fart jokes and bring a rushing water white noise CD.

And, because I'm a balls-to-the-walls-push-it-to-the-limits-no-fear kind of girl, this was my post-colonoscopy meal:

I figure it's not going to stay in me very long ... so perhaps
all the junk calories won't be absorbed. And it's not like
it's going to cause MORE gastric distress than I'm already
in, right? What better time to eat it? #Livinontheedge