Losing ...

Been a bit of losing going on here ... some good and some not so good. Thought I'd get you up to speed.

Losing my job:
My first day back at work after vacation started with an uncharacteristically early meeting scheduled at the last minute. I knew in my gut before I left home that this wasn't a great sign. So I stuck my chin in the air, still high from vacation and the motion sickness medication cursing through my veins, entered the building and promptly got laid off for the first time in my life.

They said the right things ... it's us and not you, with luck this is a blip on the radar and we can get you back in a few months, etc. But it's still a kick in the gut. 

By 10:30 a.m., I'd cleaned out my office and handed in my key. I left instructions for those who would be covering for me, made a quick round of goodbyes and walked out without the panic I thought I should be feeling.

I felt oddly calm.

Losing my confidence:
I've lost two jobs in the past year. And I resigned from another one. I still feel like I'm searching for the right fit and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried about what comes next. I've also put 20 pounds back on ... something that scares me more than I let on and makes me far more miserable than I tell anyone.

I worry, in both cases, if I can do it all again. If I'm smart enough. If I'm strong enough. If I'm dedicated enough.

I hate feeling like that and I'm fighting it with every fiber in my being.

Losing my fear:
No job and no prospects on the immediate horizon. No pounds dropped, in spite of some fairly hard work for the past couple of weeks. And yet, I think I'm mostly OK.

Because it's OK to be on the ropes. It's just not OK to quit.