Meet My Muffin-Top

(Warning: Some of the content of his post may not be suitable for young readers. Or people who do not want to have an image of me in their head that they cannot erase. Continue at your own risk.) 

You know how it goes. The seasons change. The weather changes. Your wardrobe must change accordingly.

Last week, I dug out a pair of black cords for the first time since last winter. Since I hadn't worn them in a loooooong time, I wasn't entirely sure they'd still fit.

As you know, I weigh more right now than I did 12 months ago. And as I know the pants I wear most often these days are a size 10, while these black  cords were a Kohl's size 6. (Kohl's housebrands are generously sized to make people feel good, I think. This would easily be an 8 -- or even a 10 -- in other stores, IMHO.) I also knew I was going to feel crappy if they didn't fit.

So I slid them on, holding my breath.

They slid over my thighs OK. I eased them up over my hips and they were snug, but not uncomfortable. I finally exhaled and allowed myself to think, "Whew. This just might be OK."

But there was one last test of fabric, stitching and faith ...

Would they button?

(Are you just dying with anticipation? Can you hardly stand it?)

Oh, they buttoned. And I had a split second of pure, unadulterated triumphant glee.

("A size 6. Bam! Take that 20-pound-gain! I'm still in the game!")

Then this happened:

I'm sorry if I'm grossing you out. To put a funny spin on this,
imagine trying to take this photo. I actually had angles that looked
"better" (i.e. less embarrassing/more favorable crop), but I'm showing
you the grossest one to prove my point. Nice tan, right?

Meet my muffin-top. I'm calling her Meredith.

That pure, unadulterated triumphant glee was replaced with a quizzical "WTF?"

I did a quick evaluation. They weren't so tight or uncomfortable (read camel toe) that they shouldn't/couldn't be worn. I could breathe. In fact, they didn't feel or look all that bad anywhere else. But there was that roll.

The solution for now, of course, is to not wear anything tucked in/body hugging on top.

Thank goodness it's sweater season.

Please join me in wishing Meredith a swift and thorough death, in spite of the fact that this is the holiday season.

Fa la la la la la la la la!