On Second Thought ...

I am starting to rethink my initial evaluation of my cleanse/reset experience.

If you remember, when the 24 days were over, I thought the whole process was a good one. I felt as if I'd righted the ship, so to speak, and that I was back on track.

And then the wheels fell off.

I didn't just have one Cherry Coke Zero, I had three 2L bottles. I didn't just sneak a Dove Dark, I bought a bag of dark chocolate/orange truffles and ate 10 over the course of a few days. I didn't just sample desserts at the potluck, I had two full slices of delicious carrot cake.

And the pretzels. Don't get me started on the pretzels. (I missed crunch soooooo much.)

All the while, in between giant insulated cups of aspartame and handfuls of white flour and salt, I'm trying to figure out why I'm sabotaging the effort I put into the three-plus weeks prior.

Did three weeks of "denial" lead to wanton overindulgence or am I just making excuses for bad behavior?

The truth is I'm not sure it matters. It's all a damn head game. What matters is that I know what I'm supposed to do and I'm not doing it. I raised my hand to my mouth and shoved it all in.

So I'm trying to think about it all differently.

Did my knees feel better with less dairy and wheat intake? Yes, they did. But dairy-free every day is not for me. I like cheese. And I need the crunch of a completely useless pretzel every now and again.

Did I sleep better when my caffeine and alcohol intake was small or non-existent? Yes, I did. But sometimes nothing quenches my thirst like a chemical-tasting, battery-acid-like Diet Coke. And I like to have a drink socially when I'm out with friends.

Am I going to die or gain 100 pounds overnight if I have a couple of days of extra chocolate? No. Do I need to run 5 miles a day to keep weight off? No.

This head game, this feeling of out of control, too, shall pass.

I did better today. Being at work (my first day of the new job) helps. There's a schedule, some structure. No pretzels.*

There are times that I get mad that this battle will never be "over." It pisses me off that I will have to fight with myself every day of every week of every year for the rest of my life to find the right balance of food intake and exercise output.

But then I remember how lucky I am to be battling it from THIS side of the coin.


*My new workplace comes with a help-yourself drink fridge (with BEER!) and enormous snack table, loaded with every sort of goodie imaginable. Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water ... More on that later.