Don't Spin ...

I'm standing in my pantry, door flung open wide, eyes quickly darting back and forth, looking for something ... anything ... to shove in my mouth. I'm fighting, with everything I have, the very beginning burn of tears. Then I hear my own voice, urgent and loud,

"Don't spin. Don't spin. Don't spin!"

Each repetition gets louder; each iteration gets faster.

I'm trying so hard to remind myself that there's nothing in that pantry that's going to make me feel better.
---------------------------

In the past few weeks, I thought I was finally closing in on employment. I had an enthusiastic recruiter. I had a good pre-screen from HR. I had a couple of good interviews. I thought I had a great conversation with a VP after dragging myself to Madison during my little flu bug.

And then today I learned that they went another direction.

Which is HR talk for, "We didn't like you as much as we liked someone else. You weren't as smart. Or as pretty. Or as charming. Or as good. In fact, you didn't smell as nice and you sort of suck compared to the other guy/girl." (OK, you know HR can't legally call you ugly. But you also know they DO.)

Whoooomp. Steel toe to the gut.

Followed with a sharp strike to the head for good measure.
----------------------------

I'm trying so hard to not let this unemployment thing bother me. I'm trying to put my faith in the universe and believe that it all will work out like it's supposed to. No one is dying. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat.

But it's starting to pick at my self confidence. It's starting to tear away bits of my self esteem. I can feel the panic starting to creep in when I'm not paying attention.

Those feelings affect how I feel about ME. I start to doubt my ability to do anything right. I start to feel like an enormous failure. I beat myself up and I kick myself around.

And that's when I end up ears deep in a pan of brownies before I know what hit me.
------------------------------

So that's why I was talking to myself in the pantry. I was trying to catch myself before I fell off the cliff.

One solution would be to go for a walk or a run. (I even saw someone riding their bike today in the sunshine, on snowy roads in my neighborhood!) But I already did RIPPED this morning and I rode my trainer bike for an hour after that. So instead, I'm writing this blog post.

And I ate some pickles. That's going to have to do until dinnertime.