Change is Scary

Hey all. It's me. And I want to share some things that are going on in my world that will explain the lack of posting and the general malaise you've been picking up if you've been reading between the lines.

I have been struggling with a life change and the truth is, it's been affecting me more than it probably should. After 23 years, a few promotions and perhaps one of the coolest jobs I could imagine with a team of people I dearly love, I have been told my last day is Dec. 31. 

The companies I was in charge of have been sold off or integrated into our parent company ... with the last one officially closing Dec. 20. The remaining "children" companies have been sold and there is no spot for me with the new owner. 

I'm a man without a country, so to speak. 

For the first time in my work life, I have been told that I'm not wanted. Not needed. It's been a tough pill to swallow for me. A very big blow to my ego and my pride. 

I wasn't prepared for the stress. The depression. The constant worry. And, to be honest, I haven't been handling it very well. And yet, in an attempt to be cheerful and plow forward, I didn't notice or allow myself to consider how much it was bothering me ... until ... 

I fell off my eating program. I stopped sleeping with any regularity. I skipped workouts because I was too tired in the morning to do them. I let myself play the "Oh Poor Me" loop tape in my head. Over and over.  

Adding complication to the mix, dear family and friends have been going through even more serious trials. Every time I allowed myself to "notice" my own issues, I'd come face-to-face with someone I loved who was going though a much more difficult time. A cousin with cancer. A friend with a dying father. A father-in-law with dementia and a mother-in-law shouldering the burden.

I'd end up beating myself up even more for daring to feel "bad" about a stupid job, something so inconsequential comparatively. I piggybacked their worry onto my own, shoving all those feelings down my gut, pretending everything was just fine.  

It all sort of came to a head Friday afternoon. I left a third round job interview, got in my car, and cried the whole way home.

It just all came bubbling out. And it made me take a good hard look at it all. Here's what I learned:

• I'm amazed at how much the turmoil in my head and in my heart affects the rest of my body. And I'm also amazed at how important it has become for me to make the attempt to do what's right by my body and my health in an effort to help my head. 
• There are days I just don't want to work out. But I try to do it anyway because I know I NEED it. I know that no matter how tired I am from the stress, I will feel BETTER when I eat properly and get some exercise. There are nights I don't sleep well, and I can feel how raw my nerves are the next day and how foggy my brain is. So I try to cut the caffeine and climb into bed early the next night, hoping to find a few ZZZZs before my now-standard 4:20 a.m. wake-up and worry time. 
• It doesn't always happen the way I want it to. Yet I know finding a way to control ME in the middle of a bunch of things I can't control gives me some power, a more steady footing and helps me stay strong.

I know this is all going to end just fine. I'm hoping to have news to share with you shortly, as a matter of fact. In the end, it's just a damn job. It doesn't define me and it doesn't control me. It's not life and death. No one is hurt or sick. 

Best case scenario, I will have the opportunity to learn something new. I know I'm happiest when I'm challenging myself and the biggest successes of my career (and my life) began when I was out of my comfort zone and scared to death (like when the 200+ pound me decided to start exercising). 

Worst case scenario? I work at Sentry and Jim and I live in a yurt. 

I'm pretty sure my MacGyver husband can rig something up where the energy I create by running on the treadmill powers the water heater or something.