Cheddar Meltdown

I think I have professed my love for McDonald's in these pages before.

I love cheeseburgers. I love Big Macs. I love french fries. I love hot apple pies.

(You can keep the McRib, though. Gross.)

And I love the Cheddar Melt most of all.

Or I did, I should say. Let me explain.

I had my nieces for a few days last week ... our last sleepover hurrah before the school year started. I'm not sure if you know this, but when you have children about, you must feed them every few hours. Like clockwork. It's exhausting staying on the feeding schedule! As such, we ended up eating on the run a few times.

(OK. We ate out like every single day. And one day we had movie popcorn, soda and Starburst for lunch. Don't tell their mother.) 

One day, long about noon give or take 90 minutes or so, the little ones say they're hungry.

"But I just fed you breakfast, like, 4 hours ago. You need sustenance so soon?" I ask.

They look up at me with hollowed out cheeks and nodded as their stomachs growled, as if on cue.

(Or something like that. I never said this blog was COMPLETELY factual.)

So we pull into Mickey D's to order for the older one, with the plan of going across the street to Taco Bell for the younger next.

(Of course, they can't agree on one fast food joint and of course Auntie Miss Daisy indulges them.)

At this point, I have a decision to make. Do I order the McD's I love ... Cheddar Melt is only here for a limited time and I've been dreaming of it! Or do I wait and pick something from the Fresco menu at Taco Bell which isn't great, but is better than lab-created cheese sauce on a fatty burger?

The argument in my head goes like this:

Limited time only! But you know it's crap.
It's so freaking good! But you know it's crap.
You haven't had one in years and you deserve it! But you know it's crap.
Yummy cheese sauce and grilled onions on a rye bun. But you know it's crap.
If you don't get it and eat it, you'll just get one later ... so get it over with. But you know it's crap.
Burger only ... no fries! But you know it's crap.

I'm trying very hard to remember the pink slime that makes up a McD's burger. I'm thinking of the sodium and corn syrup they add to make it taste good. I'm doing my best to gross myself out.

Then it's our turn. My voice at the drive through speaker does this:

"Six piece nugget meal with Diet Coke. (Pause.) ANDACHEDDARMELT!"

The car fills with the yummy smell of french fries and I start salivating when the aroma of the grilled onions hits my nostrils.

We quickly drive to Taco Bell, order and find seats. We unwrap all the bounty. I notice that the Cheddar Melt I was given doesn't exactly match the photos on the advertisements ... a small dollop of cheese sauce and a sparse sprinkling of onions in the very center of the burger. Nothing suggestively dripping over the sides like the glamour shots.

As with a fine wine, I close my eyes, savor a sniff and take a bite.

And it was kind of gross.

It tasted chemically. The texture of the burger was different than I remember. The cheese sauce wasn't as cheesy as it was in my dreams. It was super salty.

Waa waa waa.

I wanted to cry.

I think I've had McDonald's three times in the last year. And on every occasion, it didn't live up to my expectations. It just wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. But I blamed it on the fact that it wasn't piping hot or that I was at the airport or whatever.

Now, faced with the reality that my beloved Cheddar Melt really was not good, I have to wonder. Did they change? Or did I?

As with the end of any relationship, the fault probably lies with us both.

I think it's time for me to stop pining for the love that was. I'm calling it quits with McDonald's. We're over. Forever.

I'm sad. But I will be OK.

(Feel free to hum a little Neal Sedaka if you want. Cuz' breaking up really IS hard to doooooooo.) 

I will remember you fondly, but it's time for us to go our separate ways.