OK. I'm telling you this at the risk of grossing you out. (And this is truly a post for just us girls.)
I bought a bikini for vacation. But before you vomit, relax. You'll never have to see it.
No one in the continental U.S. will ever see it. For a very good reason.
That reason is: Kevin Bacon. Well, not Kevin Bacon exactly, but the six degrees of Kevin Bacon theory. If anyone in the continental U.S. saw me in a bikini, geographically the six degrees become something like four and then I'd be in trouble. You would know someone who'd know someone who'd know someone who saw me. And I can't take that kind of chance. Gack.
And my mother thinks I'm a slut. Ha!
OK, so I bought the dang thing as sort of a joke. I thought it would crack Jim up. You see, I've been ordering, shopping for and modeling swimming suits for the past two weeks and he's getting tired of the melodrama surrounding what I think is such a major decision. I thought throwing a bikini in there would be a funny way to catch his attention. To exaggerate the joke, I picked out one that was the Wonder Bra of the Bikini world. While it does good things for what's left of my assets, the color/pattern is sort of atrocious. I thought he'd indulge me, tell me it was cute, but agree with me that it was probably not appropriate.
But he didn't.
He said it was wearable. He said I wouldn't look like a freak on the beach. Or worse, like a 43-year-old trying desperately to hang onto my long-gone youth. (He also DIDN'T say "Va Va Va Boom, baby!" or "Hubba hubba." He's knows I'd never believe that.) He just said something that was the equivalent of "It's fine," and then squirmed into my heart with, "I'm proud of you for working so hard that you can actually wear a bikini on vacation. That's awesome."
Really?
Shit. Now I'm actually thinking about keeping it. I'm not so naive (or full of myself) to think I'll be one of the best looking things on the beach, but I'm pretty sure I won't be the worst, either. It DOES make my rack look pretty good. And if that looks good enough, maybe no one will notice the dimply, sagging thigh skin or the extra pooch on my stomach or my arm flaps?
And why is it that while I'm thinking, "I'll never see those people again anyway," I'm hearing, "It's a small world afterall," on a loop tape in my brain?
P.S. This is perhaps the most bizarre thing I've shared. And I just can't imagine what you're thinking. If it's too much, PLEASE let me know.
3 comments:
Wow, I am so impressed and you MUST sport the bikini and when you get out of the pool you leave the towel on the chair and walk over to the chair. No putting the towel right next to the edge.
Own your body, it's the only one you got and you have worked so hard to get it back into "fighting" shape so you can live a long and healthy life, with many more bikini vacations. Go Girl!
Wear it! You'll kick yourself later if you don't. "Be the mom/aunt you want your daughter/nieces to strive to be." Confident.
There is no such thing as perfect, right? If people gag in my wake, I'll go change or put a coverup on. I'll keep reminding myself that even if they do gag, they don't know what I went through to get here ... so they can kiss my dimply, saggy, flat ass. Haha. (And, don't let my nieces talk with such a mouth, please.)
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