Perception and Reality

Here's what's swirling around in my head today:

1. I bought a pair of black capri pants Sunday at Maurice's ... a 7/8. I tried on a pair of turquoise jean capris today at Target ... an 11 ... and couldn't get them over my calves. Why is it that Jim can walk into any store in any city and fit into a 34?

2. When I was newly thin, I found myself stealing looks at myself all the time, happy to see the flatter tummy, the neck, the collar bones. Now that I've gotten used to the newer me, my body no longer seems  "thin" in the same way. It's not fat. It's just not where I want it to be and I'm having a hard time not focusing on the imperfections. I feel like my eyes and my head have changed a little.

3. The body I was so proud of pouring into a bikini last year is having a hard time finding one this year. See number 2.

4. I'm not as toned as I was a year ago, though I'm able to run much farther and faster. I think that's weird. When I was eating better and working out less intensely, but more regularly, my body was tighter. It's a lifestyle. Not a project.

5. I have a new goal weight. I think I know the number where I'm supposed to be. I think I can be there by  September in a very manageable way. But I have to get back into militant mode. I want to feel better. I am proud of how far I have become. But I am not done. I haven't finished what I set out to do. Yet.