And this one single photo has all but erased all of the golden glow mojo of a truly wonderful bit of history.
Why? Because when I look at this photo, all I see is how enormous my upper arm looks. And how the roll of my gut is accentuated by this pose. And how that shoulder seam looks positively taxed.
Now, my logical brain says:
1. Of course your arm looks big next to the girl we call Flaca (skinny) ... the girl who is rarely at or above the 5th percentile on height/weight charts. It's an unfair compare. And, you are squeezing her, so your arm is flattened out. And you already know you have gobs of extra skin hanging from your upper arms. But we've all decided that extra skin is better than extra fat.
2. The roll of your gut is being accentuated by the way you're slouching in that weird lawn furniture. And again, you know you have extra skin there. It shows up in situations like this. You are still wearing the shorts you've worn for the past two years ... comfortably. Don't panic.
3. That shirt has elastic on the sleeve. It's stuck in an unflattering place, to be sure, but it's not too tight. It doesn't leave a mark when you wear it.
But my emotional brain only sees the stuff that makes me feel bad about me.
After all this time, I'm still a bit surprised at how quickly I can become that scared, unsure, unhappy girl.
Part of the reason is that I know I'm still over the weight I want to be. I have not been successful at taking those 7 or 8 pounds off that I put on over the summer. I feel bigger. My clothes feel tighter. I've gotten much, much to lax with my eating.
And I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it again.
2 comments:
Wow, you are super critical of yourself and trust me so am I of myself. I will honestly tell you what I thought when I first looked at the picture before reading a word of the blog.
Lisa is a great Auntie I bet.
I wonder if that cute gray shirt is scooped or v-neck.
I didn't take Lisa as a drink from a beer bottle girl.
Her niece has a cute little hair style.
I bet it was great to spend the week with family. I wish my mom was still here so we could go to the beach together.
You are a lucky woman, who is beautiful and loving and everyone who reads this blog is in awe of you. Do this and comment back with 5 things you love about this picture and three have to be about you!
You are right in that I shouldn't be thinking the way that I am. I should be thinking about all of the good things the week brought and how lucky I am to have had it. I really just want you guys to know that even after "success" the feelings are still there. The pounds go away, but the insecurity does not. Your brain is the hardest muscle to train.
Oh ...even though this particular beer was not mine, I am totally a drink it from the bottle kind of girl!
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