Today in my mailbox I found a spring catalog from JCPenney, entitled "14W-24W,Curve Appeal."
Part of me wants to call JCP and set them straight and part of me liked looking at it because some of the clothes are cute. So much cuter than I remember sizes 14W-24W being when I needed them, of course.
But it got me thinking about how the world sees me. Or you. Or anyone.
To my friends and family, will I always be the big girl who lost weight? Will you see her before you see me? Will you always watch me eat and wonder if I'm eating too much? Will you worry that I'm going to gain it all back? Will you be disappointed if I do or nudge me when you notice I'm packing on a few?
To the people I've met since, and who only know me as this, will you think I've always looked this way and assume (as I did about all people thinner than me) that it came easy? That I can't understand what it's like to struggle and work hard? Will they think I'm just "one of the lucky ones" that never had to worry and will they sort of secretly hate me just a little because of it? Am I the only one who felt this way about people who have always been thin?
The truth is that none of these people will spend much time thinking about me at all. Even I'm not so narcissistic to believe I'm the center of anyone's attention for long. JCPenney will eventually notice I'm buying different things and put me in a new market segment. But I believe your perceptions of how people view you affect how you view yourself. (That was a mouthful ... sorry if you have to read it slowly.)
So, most importantly, when will I start thinking of myself differently? Have I already? Will I ever feel like a "normal size" person? Or will I carry those pounds around in my head forever ... even if they don't show up on my thighs anymore? How will I ease back into a life that's not quite so incessantly preoccupied with what I put in my mouth and how much I'm moving my feet? I'm not going to lie ... the thought of slipping back and having to start over terrifies me. And I wonder if that will wear off over time and if old habits will come back. I am curious to see how this will all work out.
Stay tuned. You'll be the first to know.
2 comments:
I have never regarded you as the girl who was big and lost weight, but rather the friend that came into my life in a round about way and showed up at some of my family's most difficult life events, with a knowing smile and a hug of encouragement.
I have always looked up to you. You're smart, funny and determined! I have had so many similiar feelings you have shared in these blog postings and knowing I am not a freak, has helped more than you will ever know.
You will not slide back, because I won't let you, because we both know you are liking life more on this side of the scale!
Do you think we sabotage ourselves because we THINK the world first sees us or only sees us as big girls, when in fact the it does not? I'm struggling so much with this concept in my head right now ... partly because I am looking at the world and people in it in a different way now. It reinforces my belief that losing weight is so much more about your brain than it is about your butt.
Thank you for supporting me and this blog.
Post a Comment