This is a photo of me and my mom. And The Kaiser. Or Col. Klink. Or Captain Uff Da. Or some happy German dude at Milwaukee's German Fest. It was the first time we'd been to the celebration by the lake and we had a ball. As in: We. Had. A. Ball!
My mom was like a kid in a candy store as we rode the ski lift thingy, sampled a few beers, danced a few polkas and ate our way around the park. I'm not normally one that's remotely into my very German heritage, but this party was just plain, old fun and I can't wait to go back next year.
But the bummer is this is the photo I have to remember it.
I hate this photo. I'm not sure if it's a horrible angle or if I really look like that, but the girl in this photo is NOT the girl I see in the mirror and it really bothers me.
I think I look thick as hell and I just don't get it.
Have I gained 11 pounds since my skinniest? Yes. Do I know that I need to lose those pounds again? Yes.
But these are the same shorts I have been comfortably wearing for three summers. That little white hoodie is one of my favorites and I always thought it made me look smaller ... good seams.
I can't tell you how many times I fought the urge to go back onto Facebook and pull the photo down. I posted it in a fit of exuberance as we were singing and laughing and carrying on ... so I didn't really look too carefully at it. When I had the chance to evaluate, I just wanted it to disappear.
I've told you before that I struggle with knowing what I actually look like. When I was bigger, I couldn't see myself as "that" big. When I was truly smaller, like in high school, the me I saw in the mirror was enormous.
It's messing with my head. And effing with my self esteem.
Yesterday, I let it get the best of me. I didn't work out. I ate very badly. (And all day long.) That voice of doubt and fear and embarrassment was reverberating in my head.
"You're fat! You're gaining it all back! You didn't look as good as you thought you did. 147 is still huge, Lisa. And 11 pounds more than that is not in any way thin. You've been kidding yourself and making a fool of yourself. You're blowing it."
Today, I chose to ride my bike to work and, so far anyway, eat much better.
Because in the end, that's all I can do.
It's simple. But not easy.
(And if my mother knew she was on the Inter Web in that half squat pose with her eyes closed, she'd kill me. But I gotta be honest, she has her eyes closed in EVERY photo I take of her, so there's not much I can do. Don't tell her the whole world can see her, OK?)
2 comments:
Know that you're not alone, I've been struggling with my weight quite a bit lately and fell off the eating/working out wagon FRIDAY! I'm ready to get back on track!!
Check this out.. It might help you a little bit!
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I can totally relate to this post, and although you may not think this, I found it to be very encouraging. :). Love that you got back up again and will never give up! In my mind, I am that healthy vision of a Nike girl that I have pics to prove I once was! LOL! But now somehow after two kids and my best efforts, I know that my "healthy" will never be "skinny" again, and I think,it's a good thing that we see ourselves differently in the mirror at times, because we are seeing that part inside of us instead of the shell we've been given on the outside. :). Inside we are strong, amazing, wonderful women, regardless of the size of our backsides!!!!! Love this post.
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