I've Got a Secret!

Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

Promise you won't spill the beans? Swear?

OK ... I ran today.

It was only for a quarter-mile and it was at a very slow run pace. But I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to do it.

(You know how goofy those speed walkers look? That's me. My arms pump and my hips fire back and forth and every fiber in my body screams, "Just run already! It would be a much easier and more natural motion! And, you just can't increase your walking speed anymore without hurting yourself as your limbs fly all over Or you're going to trip on your own feet any minute now. Or you'll fall off the back of the damn treadmill!")

It felt SOOOOOOOOO good! My knee didn't hurt. My thighs loved it. I felt light and sleek and smooth. And I felt like I could do it forever.

And then I got scared and quit.

I'm not supposed to run. The sports doc said if I want to delay surgery for as long as possible, I am supposed to walk. But that seems so stupid when my knee feels pretty good. Surely a little running here and there can't hurt. My friends who have had total knee blowouts or completely torn ligaments or any variety of meniscus issues started off worse than me, or have had surgery, and they run now.

So why can't I?

Did she mean never run, no matter how good my knee feels? How different is what I'm doing and running anyway? Should I call her and talk through it again? Is that just what all doctors say? Or, was I too heavy then to run and now it would be OK? What's the worst that can happen ... I tear it all the way through, have surgery and then I CAN run?

I'm trying to plot those answers out in my head as I'm scooting as fast as I can,  back and forth across the fourth floor in heels at work today, when I feel those old pangs in my knee. I'm sure they're all in my head, mind you, but that's enough to make me reconsider.

Maybe.

I can't tell you how much I want to run. How weird is that?