Snot Rockets, Crotch Zits and Other Workout Beauty Secrets

There are some things you just need to know. Even if you don't want to know them. This will be one of those posts. If you are easily offended or grossed out, you might want to read The Everywhereist instead. (She's a better writer than I am, anyway, and I heartily recommend you bookmark the page.)

I'm about to describe some of the truly ugly and disgusting facts about getting healthier. The idea came to me on Saturday during my long run. Read why below.

Snot Rocket: I already told you how I bonked for the first time on that trip. During that last three-quarters of a mile, my nose was running something terribly. I couldn't sniff it back anymore. I obviously didn't have access to a tissue. So there I was, on the side of the road, with my finger pressing on one nostril at a time. Snot rocket. Farmer blow. No matter what you call it, it ain't pretty.

Crotch Zits: I'm not sure this is really the right name for this, umm, condition. So let me explain. This happens to me primarily when I'm biking. Occasionally, I will get a pair of underwear that cuts me wrong "there." Or maybe it's the way I sit on the saddle. Or maybe it's the way the bike shorts crease when I pedal. Or maybe it's a bumpy seam in the underoos or shorts. In any case, there must be friction or something ... that combines with sweat ... that forms a big, hard, underground zit-like bump. It hurts like crazy, sometimes for a couple of days after the ride. It usually takes care of itself, but again, not attractive.

Hedge Burn: As long as we're on the subject, this one should come as no surprise. If one does any sort of, well, landscaping south of the border, the closeness of biking shorts or compression shorts and the heat/dampness that comes with riding or running can cause what I call heat rash in the pruned areas. You're feeling sexy now, right?

The Walking Farts: Do I need to explain this any more than that? Sometimes, aerobic activity results in an accidental symphony. Ugh.

Corner Crust: Jim insists this has never happened to him. But when I workout for a long time, I get a dried on crust-like substance on the corners of my mouth. It's probably a combination of sweat and drool and exhaled air. When I'm on my bike, I wipe it off with my gloves. When I run, I have to wait until I'm in the shower and have a washcloth. It doesn't just rinse off ... you have to scrub. I live in mortal fear that someday I will forget to wipe it off and go out into the world with saliva all over my face. .

Then, of course there's your basic stinky sweat, which just comes with the territory.

To make you smile, I thought I'd show you what I look like BEFORE I start my workout in the morning. And, this is AFTER I have run a brush though my hair. The good news is I start sweating pretty quickly and this all calms down. In other words, it gets BETTER from here. Ha!



The lady that puts so much time and effort into my highlights would be horrified.